Growing up, I loved watching The Twilight Zone.  I was a sci-fi buff, and each week was a new adventure.  Watching The Twilight Zone is one thing, living in it is quite another.  When parties remain in unresolved conflict without an end in sight, I call it the Twilight Zone.  The place is highly emotional, often visited by the fear of the future, and usually populated with attorneys and family members with an ax to grind.  Whether in family, business, or non-profit, the Twilight Zone is a very uncomfortable place to live.

There can be numerous reasons why people land in the Twilight Zone.  Negotiations went well until hitting the wall of Spousal Support.  The business valuation turned out more poorly than anticipated, or the other party is simply dragging his heels, using a passive-aggresive strategy to wear you out.  Regardless of how you arrived in the Twilight Zone, you need an exit strategy – how do you get out?

In a divorce situation, sometimes couples just need to finish.  Living in limbo is pretty challenging.  For that reason, Genesis Mediation offers Divorce in a Day.  If couples come prepared with all the information needed, we can typically process the entire divorce in one day – parenting plan, custody, child support, settlement and spousal support, if elected. This is a real service for some couples with tight schedules or difficulty getting off work.

In the case of business, mediation leads to a conclusion – either resolution or dissolution.  There are times the best option is dissolving a partnership, or even the business.  Other times, the partnership or family business can be reconciled and preserved.

In elder care, mediation can literally help people to move, which is often aging parents who must make a transition but parties cannot agree, so there you are, in the Twilight Zone.  We help remove the impasse and create an Action Plan agreed upon by the family for future decisions to mitigate conflict.

How do you get out of the Twilight Zone of unresolved conflict?
1. Have the hard conversation.  Try to resolve the situation yourself first.

2. Bring someone else along who can be neutral.  Try the conversation again.

3. If still no resolution, call a mediator.  He or she will have the skill set to help bring you to some form of resolution.

4. Follow through.  Be true to your word of commitment from mediation.  Be flexible.  The other party most likely will not change overnight.  Work on what you can control, adapt or manage what you cannot.

Rod Sterling and I will see you on the other side of the Twilight Zone.

I have worked with couples for over 30 years to save, heal, and maximize their relationships.  Sharlyne and I were married young – both 19.  We will celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary this year.  We have 5 grown children, 3 of which are happily married.  We continue to work at maximizing our relationship.  After spending the last 7 years working with hundreds of couples to dissolve their marriages, I have a front row seat to the leading causes of divorce.

I want to combine my previous experience of marriage therapy with my new experience of divorce mediation to help couples maximize and divorce proof their marriages.  Thus, the seed of a new book was born, Ten Qualities of a “10” Marriage (Genesis Mediation will be offering this as a 5-week series workshop – see below).  What are those qualities?  Here are my Top Ten:

• Intimacy
• Friendship
• Communication
• Nurture
• Sexuality
• Safety
• Money
• Conflict Resolution
• Values
• Self Care

In the seminar, we will explore 2 topics per week.  We will laugh, cry, dialog, and grow deeper in our relationships.  Couples will receive materials from the emerging book along with discussion guides and homework.

Sharlyne and I first began helping couples when we were very young ourselves.  We were part of the Marriage Encounter movement in the 70’s.  I began planning Couples Retreats in the 80’s inviting professionals with expertise in financial, sexual, and communication matters as speakers at either camp or hotel venues.  I began speaking for Couples Retreats during this time as well.  The book and seminar comes from a desire to make a difference in the marriages of others.  I witness on a daily basis the erosion and dissolution of marriage.  I want to help stem the tide.  My hope is that you will find the seminar fun and helpful, taking your marriage to the next level.

Click here for more information or to register for Dr. Kinnison’s upcoming class Ten Qualities for a “10″ Marriage.

After saying the above, here is some helpful information.  There are three forms of spousal support in the State of Oregon: compensatory, transitional, and maintenance.  Compensatory support is rare.  An example is a spouse who enables his or her partner to create a much larger income, such a wife who puts her husband through medical school.  Transitional support is often used to enable a spouse to gain further education, thus creating potential for a higher income.  Transitional support can be used in a number of situations.  The goal is assisting the other spouse to land in a good space, both now and in the future.  I just mediated a case where the husband is assisting the wife to complete school in order to raise her income potential.  Maintenance support helps to equalize the standard of living between parties.  The question always becomes “How much for how long?”  If you have a long-term marriage (over 20) years, were a stay at home wife or husband with very little education to assist in a new career, you may be eligible for indefinite support.  The key words here is “MAY BE ELIGIBLE.”  Attorneys often battle over two major areas: custody and spousal support.

As a mediator, I find constructing Cash Flow Budgets of new household costs including children very helpful and revealing for the discussion of spousal support.  A party may seek more support, but after reviewing the budget, understands the other party can not give it.  The reality of supporting two households, and often children, is sobering as couples struggle to make it all work.  At Genesis Mediation, we work very hard to create SUSTAINABLE agreements.  In other words, at the end of this process, one person may write a check to another.  He or she must have sufficient funds to pay, the other must receive sufficient funds for his or her basic needs. I find keeping parties focused on their needs moving forward, constructing time lines that may include when child support ends as well as costs to support them, very helpful to reach a common point of agreement.  It is not unusual in mediation for child support as well as spousal support levels to be higher than what is reached in litigation.  The reason is simple.  In litigation, each attorney is seeking the highest awards and lowest liabilities for his or her client.  In mediation, the focus is a mutual concern for both parties, and if children are involved, they are often the highest priority.

This is a very brief look at spousal support.  Again, I would highly suggest you consult with an attorney to consider the facts surrounding your situation.  We have assisted hundreds of couples to find common ground on this, as well as other, very controversial topics in the divorce process.

First, decide WHY you need an attorney.  We live in a litigating culture.  Securing an attorney is often the first counsel you receive from others.  You need to remember, attorneys are trained to fight and win.  There is often little regard to a relationship or the manner in which a victory is secured.  Poor attorneys will play on your emotions, almost guaranteeing an outcome which they know is unlikely, yet will cost thousands in legal bills.  Good attorneys will paint a very realistic picture of litigation and potential outcomes, including the costs and risks.  Just because you are in conflict, does not mean utilizing an attorney is the correct choice.  I am thankful for the attorneys to refer my clients when needed.  I am thankful mediation is a viable option for many cases.

Second, decide HOW you will use an attorney.  If you have the need for continued consultation, a retainer makes sense and most attorneys will require one.  If you only need a consultation, make sure the attorney knows you seek counsel on a particular topic, you will pay him for his or her time, and most likely will not need retention.  Attorneys can give a free or reduced hourly rate for a consultation that is usually very general.  That may be a good starting point for some people.  Many of my clients need specific counsel on a particular topic, so I help them to communicate with the attorney the desired outcome.  You may feel more comfortable with a relationship with an attorney throughout mediation, thus the need for a retainer.   You will need to select an attorney who will cooperate with the mediation process.  An aggressive, litigating attorney is not a good fit for mediation.  There are times you need an aggressive attorney, mediation is not one of them.  Your attorney can assist you in a number of ways through mediation.   You may want your attorney present during mediation for in-session counsel as well as to help bring a balance in power.  If you are intimidated by the other party, bringing an attorney into the room for mediation often levels the playing field.  The attorney cannot speak for you at all times, but his or her presence is often sufficient to give confidence and balance power.

Once you decide HOW you use an attorney, you will need to select WHO.  There are many attorneys who practice in a multitude of areas.  Most people wish to select an attorney with experience and expertise in a particular field.   For simple cases and matters, a general attorney may meet your needs.  However, in many situations, I would advise you to select an attorney in the field of your current legal need.  You need to remember the attorney works for you, not you for the attorney.  If you are not comfortable with the service, attitude or manner of practice, you need to select another attorney which matches your needs, values, and style.  More than one of my clients returned from a legal consultation upset over the demeanor and attitude of the attorney.  Typically, the greater expertise and experience, the greater the retainer and hourly rate of an attorney.  Some complex cases warrant the expertise and cost associated with an attorney.  Most of the cases that cross my desk only need a legal consultation or a lower priced attorney.  I work with attorneys trained in Collaborative Family Law, just as myself.  We understand our roles and the process.  This is extremely helpful for the clients to reduce conflict and avoid litigation.  I have a growing list of attorneys on the Genesis Mediation website.  I personally know and can recommend each one.

In conclusion, you need to consider WHY you will need an attorney, HOW you will use an attorney, and WHO you will select to represent you.