When couples come for divorce from trying to make the marriage work in counseling, I often seek a confidentiality release to speak with the counselor.  This brief conversation with the therapist aids me in guiding a couple through potential or real conflict points.  Since I am not a licensed therapist, I frequently refer people to a quality clinician.  In the case of divorce, I use Divorce Coaches.  These are therapists with training to understand the special issues surrounding divorce.  A Divorce Coach guides a person through the emotional roller coaster of the dissolution process.  When you have a professional helping sort through all the emotions of divorce, a person typically makes better, more sound decisions.  There are times children are really struggling in the divorce process.  For younger children, a good play therapist can help children sort through the maze of emotions.

I receive regular requests for referrals to a good therapist.  I try to match people with clinicians.  A client-therapist match is very important.  If someone does not connect with his or her therapist, usually therapy is short-lived or not deemed helpful.  One of the most important elements in counseling is a good client-therapist fit.  If you are not connecting, you should move on to another.  The therapist will not be offended.  You should also discover the primary modality of therapy.  Some people are comfortable with a very laid back therapist, others want more direction and goals.   Do a little research on the therapist to see if you are compatible in modality.  Finances is often a concern.  Many therapists can take insurance.  I have discovered a good therapist is well worth the money.  What price can you place on saving a marriage or gaining real freedom from anxiety or depression?

I have a list of practice groups or solo practitioners at www.genesismediation.com for your convenience.

Forgiveness means letting go.  You make a conscious decision not to dwell on the past.  You release the pain, the bitterness (see my last post), and anger or grief associated with the wrong.  You release entitlement, victimization, and co-dependency.  You know you have forgiven or the other person has forgiven you when you let it go, or he or she let’s it go.

Forgiveness means living in the present, not the past.  You don’t bring it up, period.  Fresh starts don’t drag the skeletons of the past.  In the heat of the moment, the arrows from past issues are easy to grab to hurt and wound.  Hard to heal old wounds with fresh new ones.   Sometimes people want to “just joke about it.”  As a voice from experience, don’t even go there.  You will know forgiveness when nothing from the past is used against you, and, you don’t use anything from the past on another.  Leave the past, in the past.

If you really want to demonstrate disrespect and unforgiveness, then bring up a past issue with the person in front of others.  If you want to stir the drama pot, then speak to others about the issue instead of talking to the person directly.  Forgiveness means keeping your mouth shut regardless of the temptation.  You have truly forgiven when the desire to destroy the other is gone.

Forgiveness means placing maximum emphasis on the relationship, not the incident.  You will not let the past, an incident, or a lapse, to keep you from a loving relationship.  This does not mean you  agree with addiction, or improper behavior.  It means you will not let this issue come between your relationship.  In mediation, I often bring people to resolution.  We write up agreements.  The hard work of forgiveness is just beginning.  It takes time.  Trust must be rebuilt.  Actions demonstrate change.  Words are weighed.  All the work and change becomes rewarding with reconciliation.  Reconciliation NEVER happens without forgiveness.

Apology and forgiveness are one of the most valuable commodities on planet earth.  The two are the pillars of peace.  I wish for you this peace.